Memories.....of love
Topic: Memories
Memories
"If you have to write it, write it and then send it to me."

I'm not sure if it were Lori, Jesse or Tues who told me that originally but it was one of the three. They were the three who nursed me through the realization that first love might always linger but it doesn't always work out.

I'm at square one tonight. Where I first heard someone whisper to me that he loved me. Where a couple of years later I started a disasterous and ill advised affair. This place brings back so many memories. Most of them quite happy at the time but now which are tainted with a melancholy hue.

Part of me would love to relive those times. Another part reminds me the past is in the past whether we wish it to be or not.

"Write it and then send it to me."

I did. I poured my heart into a number of fractured letters full of raw emotions and then I sent them to friends who would safeguard them for me until I was ready to move on.

I've forgotten what it was like to feel that innocence that believed all you had to do was be true to love and have faith for everything to work out. That girl is still here somewhere. Revisiting this place...I hear her whisper but can't seem to see her face...

Sweet delays
Topic: Surprise!
A little after 6 am and I am happily STILL home, not being forced out into the cold just yet. We have another delay this morning.

When I tell people we have a delay or school closing here they inevitably comment that, gee, we seem to have a lot of snow problems. It's not so much snow as it is ice and lots of rural roads.

Most of southern west virginia is hilly. If you build commercially in the coal fields you literally have to blast the rock off a mountain and dig yourself a parcel of land large enough to house a facility. Think of a funnel and you have our terrain. It's also a very undeveloped terrain which means lots of small, narrow, winding roads that follow the hillsides. There's one four lane road through the area and it dead ends before it traverses the state.

When I say rural....

There are no real community schools here anymore. Consolidation and financial crunches have seen to that. Kids often ride buses for an hour to travel from the furthest reaches of the county to a school. Because of that our superintendents are very careful to inspect both weather and roads before putting kids on buses. Ever try to stop a bus sliding down an icy hill? Won't happen till metal hits something it's not suppose to.

So..another delay which enables me to sit and ramble, have a relaxing cup of coffee and finish getting my garbage out without stress.

There are times I appreciate Canada, Tues. *grin*






a mirror of this blog can be found at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/

We cry over the silliest things...
Mood:  sad
Bob was a huge, lovable, funny, white great dane. He was deaf as many blue eyed danes are. He had been badly abused in his early years but he found a loving, happy and animal crazy family that adopted him several years ago. Despite Bob's rough early years, he was the most lovable dog. Loved being scratched. Loved just standing, yes standing, on top of you. LOL He met me at the door when I visited my friends always excited and happy to have company.

Bob was almost 9. My friends told me at mass Sunday that Bob had begun having seizures. I thought maybe epilepsy. I had several smaller dogs that had suffered for several years with it.

Bob died this morning at 6. My friend wrote and told me and I sit here now in tears.

Animals can personify the best of the world. They have a gift and capacity for love that humans certainly have difficulty matching. They are God's four footed angels and every now and then they touch the hard places inside our hearts and melt the ice that we've erected to keep it safe from feeling emotions. Bob was the most innocent of those angels.

I'll miss you, Bob.

Anger
Mood:  down
Topic: Anger
Sometimes anger is the only thing that keeps the other demons at bay.

Anger is the soul's defense against hurt and pain. It serves as a buffer to keep
the heart's suffering from overwhelming us. We cloak ourselves in it's numbing rage so that we don't have to deal with whatever issues lurk beneath the surface, unrecognized by the conscious mind.

As the anger subsides we are forced to peel away the facade. Often kicking and screaming, protesting all the way, we face those inner demons and find truth. Sometimes that means we collapse back into a deep ball of hurt that takes longer to emerge from. Perhaps that's the true source of anger. Fear. No one likes to hurt. No one wants to be in pain, tormented by self doubts and recriminations. Thats why we wrap ourselves in the anger. It's easier to explode at those around us and leave the unsettled emotion with them than it is to look inside for what's really wrong.

It doesn't mean anger does us any favors. It often masks the real problem and allows us to avoid addressing the true issues that are causing us distress. But managed, it can keep us sane until we're ready to face the truth.

It's a process....

It takes time to even realize why the rage exists and then more to find the root of its cause. Anger will only completely fade once we've sifted through and found the core of it's essence. First will come admission and acceptance and then the long process of healing.

I have been angry. At everything. At everyone. Finally the anger broke and I could see several nodules which had been feeding my rage, and it was indeed rage. Death. Loss. Stress. Dissatisfaction with life in general had caused me to be short tempered and clipped in my replies to many. I regret those quick unchecked impulses. As I let go of the emotion of one, the sorrow of another arrived to quickly fill the void as I knew it would. I spent a morning crying, mourning the loss of a friend, of a life I always thought I would have but which had escaped me, and the inevitable shortening of time left for me to live life.

It's easy to speak the positive words but so much harder to live them. I keep trying.



A mirror of this blog is at:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/2063.html

Political Animals
I am a political animal by nature. I love the debate, the discussion, the planning and the underlying faith of true statesmen that their actions can bring about change for the better, change that will improve the life of their constituents.

Which is why GWB is such a disappointment to me, as a republican.

I'm not sure I'm going to recognize this country after the next four years. Certainly our compassion seems to be ebbing as well as our charity. We use double speak now as a means of daily communication and avoid examining our own actions even while we criticize those of others. (Can we say Bush and Putin?)

Prejudice has reared it's head and is being used as a tool of fear to manipulate the American public into making choices that I believe are not based on the best interests of the average American but are designed to further the goals of big business. The end result is that the political favors and machinations will serve to further widen the gap between the haves and the have nots.

I can not fathom why a country who is willing to give Halliburton a million dollars a MONTH to do laundry in Iraq can not find the human compassion to insure it's population has adequate health care. I can't fathom that we condone the army issuing 9 million in bonuses to Halliburton and then want to remove social security and Medicare from our books. Why do we deny our own yet offer our wealth to others? I'm not saying that the US shouldn't offer aid whenever disasters strike and shouldn't be involved in any peaceful attempt to improve the human condition wherever it falters, but why then ignore those closest to us?

It appears we fall into "victim" mode when dealing with those who live and move with us. We're so worried that someone is going to "take advantage" that we fail to fully see their situations.

This white house is the most deceptive and misleading since Richard M Nixon yet it seems the religious right have anointed Bush a holy man and God forbid anyone criticize him or hold his administration accountable for their lies or misinformation.

I want my country back. You know, the one that's the land of the free? We have the brave. They fight ever day in Iraq and btw, despite what any right winged zealot attempts to say: It is possible to disagree with Bush and still honor and support the men and women who risk their lives every day doing danger work abroad. God keep them, God bless them, and God bring them safely home.

I just hope they recognize home when they return...







A mirror of this blog can be found at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/2012.html

Small Gifts
Small gifts
Sitting with a cup of hot coffee in my hands, watching the morning news and enjoying a snow delay for our district. It means my day will begin with an 8 oclock departure instead of the usual 6 am.

The pups aren't exactly sure why mommy's still home. They wore themselves out playing and performing for me this morning and now are sleeping peacefully. The quiet and contentment of just being at home makes me want to turn off all the sounds and just absorb the peace. But my minutes rapidly wear away.

Is it age that brings contentment or is it fatigue that makes the smaller pockets of peace seem so much more important? I realize this morning as my inbox fills with different news items that I've not had time to read since last summer, that the pace grows more hectic each year. I seem to get less done, have more ahead of me and fewer minutes to do my tasks in.

But these small pockets revive me, keep me going until the next one comes along.

I'll take my happiness where I can get it.

Coping
Do we ever really accept loss or do we end up just coping with the emotions and the effects?
The friend I lost last month is still very much on my mind and in my heart. His absence is still felt by many of us in our online community. My biggest regret is not making the time for him to visit last summer when he wanted to. Maybe he knew something I didn't.

The internet really is a marvelous thing. It allows us to be more of what we wish we could be yet at the same time, our baser instincts and crudeness are more readily released. Along with the exploration of ourselves comes the inevitable connection to others. People are more transient here. It becomes easier to say: "Oh, I didn't get that email!" to avoid conversations or to just ignore the communication completely.
I've taken to getting numbers. I want to be able to call if I haven't heard from someone I care about and ask: "How are you?" When Steve died, my friend Laura in Florida was the first person I thought to call. I needed, I *had* to hear her voice. Had to have those human words that I knew would echo my heartache.

Steve's brother said they were "coping" and that he spent the one month anniversary rereading Steve's email and crying. I can understand. A day doesn't pass that he isn't on my mind...and I cope...

Hopefully remembering to tell others just how much they mean to me, how I value them in my life and how much I care.

I wrote this several years ago but it means so much more now...
Steve...If Ever I forgot to tell you...I'm sorry.
http://www.yayajon.com/thekays/ifever/index.html






A mirror of this blog can be found at http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/1449.html

Saturday Morning Bliss
It's just after 8 am. I have cinnamon rolls cooling on top of the stove, freshly baked and smelling so wonderful. The coffee is done, first pot I've made in many weeks. The dogs have already been walked this morning and I am looking at the prospect of a lazy Saturday morning for the first time, well, almost since 2004. No where I have to be today. No where I have to run. No student activities to pull me away from home. As I sit here with no TV or radio on, enjoying the silence, the occasional sound of a bird from outside the window, once more I am stuck with how contented I am here.

I never expected nor wanted to live my life alone. I always pictured myself married to a businessman with both of us ending up as workaholics. Well, I guess I got part of it right. I do spend too much time at work, but never did I anticipate that I could be happy just being alone.

There are times when the desire for companionship still brings tears. It still hurts that it didn't work out, but the great daily angst has subsided into a quiet peace. Unexpected but very appreciated.

I hope it lasts. LOL

In the meantime, my muse, which has been absent, seems to be returning so I may actually get some writing done today. Plus the mundane beckons: Housecleaning, laundry, cooking, puttering around the house. All tasks which seem to make me smile this morning. Wouldn't it be lovely if this type of happiness could be marketed? Enable us to truly just enjoy the smaller things and not yearn for what we can't or shouldn't have?

Did I mention the cardinal that came to visit when I took the dogs out? I've been toying with the thought of cutting down some bushes in my back yard but I think I'm going to do that with great caution. It seems the cardinals and blue jays enjoy their cover. And I enjoy the birds so...one more thing that brings a smile today. I'm envisioning summers on the patio with a cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sounds of birds feeding at their new feeder.

Pollyanna is back. Welcome home, girl.








a mirror of this blog can be found at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/1106.html

Waiting for life to continue
I've been waiting too long.

Waiting for the right time to buy the house. Waiting for the right time to make those needed repairs. Waiting for the right time to buy the needed appliance. Waiting for the time to mail those cards and late Christmas gifts, waiting on someone to make the work environment better.

The house is bought. Thankfully I didn't put it off but other things I've been reluctant to begin. I am so afraid of putting myself out on a limb and falling off in the attempt of making life easier. I know it's shadows of past failures, most a financial one, but it's time to face those fears once again.

I've slipped back into that "wait for a better time" pattern. A better time may or may not happen. Why continue to allow life to slip away and not do the things I'm waiting to do?

My co-workers and I were thrown into a depressing work environment this year. A vice principal who had almost 100% support in bidding on the newly vacant principal's position has forgotten that our staff is an outstanding group of teachers. Forgotten that for several years we've received the top test scores in our county. Forgotten that the people she now sees as subservient were once her friends. Somewhere along the line she decided principal was less a leader and became a total "BOSS", complete with every controlling stereotype a bad boss can bring. It's a sad situation.

We've been waiting for it to change and get back to the warm, friendly enviroment it has been in the past but truthfully, it may never revert back. If we have no support from her, then maybe its time to remind ourselves that we can support each other. So today I spent a paltry 10 or 12 bucks to buy the small items that some teachers will find in their boxed Monday afternoon. Included with it will be a short note reminding them that they're appreciated and thought of often. It won't be signed. If they figure it out, thats ok. If not, then maybe the smile will be shared with someone else and it will propagate.

Why wait?

If you've read this blog for very long (Not the LJ one but the mirror on tripod) you'll know I lost a friend last month. Steve's death was difficult for me. He was a net friend and wanted to come visit last summer. I put him off for reasons I won't go into here, all of them connected to vanity, and now that opportunity will never present itself again. One month ago tonight....and I still miss him horribly.

Letting people know how you feel isn't something to be put off for another day. Stop waiting. Tell them. Show them. By word or deed show them you care.

Stop waiting for a better time.
It's here.
It's now.












A mirror of this blog can be found at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/

Kicking and screaming as I go...
I have too many blogs...

I am not a flexible person. I've come to realize this over the years. Actually I've always known it. It explains why I remained in some rotten relationships even though they had completely fallen apart.

Internet relationships seem the most tenuous of all. They can morph into something unrecognizable at the drop of a hat. Yet I hang on to many for dear life, probably after my communication and contact ceases to even be noticed by the object of my attention.

Why is it that many see internet friends as expendible? It's almost as if they believe them not to be real. Yet on each end of the communication is a living breathing human (unless you're Klingon and not telling us) that thinks, emotes and shares.

So why is it so easy to walk away from them? Is it because we can delete the email with no effort, removing the guilt from our mind and sight? Or do some people really feel like net friendships are akin to video games? Fun for the moment you're playing them.

I made friends with a person a couple years ago who apparently now has a "life" (Thank you very much. Here I thought I was part of your day - silly me) and has virtually dropped out of sight. I'm happy that he's found someone but completely perplexed by his actions. He simply dropped a number of people from his life without much regret at all it seems. How does one *do* that? How do you just click a button and turn people off that you've spent night after night talking and laughing with?

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe it's a good thing I am.

Yet as one door closes another I thought forever closed, opens. Perhaps one was merely holding the place for the other.

But you know...
I don't like changes...
I wanna keep em all

A mirror of this is at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/506.html