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A yearly diatribe
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Thoughts On Friendship, Love and Life In General
Tuesday, 8 February 2005
In fairy tales it exists
Mood:  down
Topic: Birthdays Suck
Well,
There's an hour and about 30 minutes left of my birthday.

I hate them. I hate being the age I am without having had any type of long lasting (past 13 months) relationship. I hate not having a family and feeling like a failure because I'm still alone.
And I hate expecting people to remember today.

It's not like they don't know. Plenty of them do. But unless the topic comes up in conversation a couple of weekend before hand, they just don't bother to remember. "Oh, I'm not good with stuff like that.", "You know I thought of you.", "I had one for you."...
Well thats lovely and all but it doesn't take away the feeling of being alone that goes on here. I hope you had fun on my day but it sure wasn't fun here.

Mom remembered and for once we had a pleasant day not filled with drama. Steve remembered as did Char. That be about it. Kind of depressing that in the rest of the world, as many people as have shared the celebration with me, no one wrote it down, put it in reminders or had it on their calendar.

One hour and 28 minutes

Posted by thekays at 10:19 PM EST
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Saturday, 5 February 2005
Grief takes time
Mood:  sad
Topic: Dealing with loss
I lost a friend last week.

Someone I had met online. We talked regularly and he became an expected part of my day. I came home last Wednesday to find several emails from other friends either telling me he had passed or seeking comfort themselves for his loss.

Steve was much too vital to go when he did. His lifestyle was not active but his mind was always moving. He adored his young nieces and showed a soft side of his rough exterior when he talked, no - when he gushed about them. In their eyes he found a larger universe than he ever knew existed. He found pure unconditional love and for the first time, I believe, felt it in his heart. He would have given anything for those girls unless it meant changing a dirty diaper. LOL He was still that much of a bachelor.

When I bought my house, Steve worried with me. Talked me down several times from panic attacks of whether I was doing the right thing. Kept after me about loans and insurance and finally gave me a thumbs up when I negotiated a good rate.

When the girlfriend of an ex began harrassing me again, Steve was entralled by the drama. I always thought he would have made a great soap opera fan. *grin*

Whenever he went on vacation I knew to look for a postcard. Sadly some of his mail didn't make it to me right after I moved last summer.

Steve will never be known as someone who was politically correct. He did not suffer fools or posers gladly and called it as he saw it. He loved the debate and loved winning more. He was bombastic and often argumentative but he was never dull.

And I will miss him...

It's taken more than a week to be able to add this to my blog. The tears still come easily when I dwell on the fact that he's gone. I miss his presence. I miss his wit and I even miss his stubborness.

He was taken one day short of his 42nd birthday by a massive heart attack. But he died peacefully in his sleep. He would have hated being incapacitated and dependent on others.

I think its going to be a long time before I can remember him without being sad, without being selfish and without mourning him.

You will be missed mesawmi...

http://www.friendshipsfire.com/steve/hurts.html

Posted by thekays at 1:54 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, 5 February 2005 1:59 PM EST
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Sunday, 23 January 2005
And the band played on....
Topic: Relationships
Did you ever find that you felt completely inferior just with the arrival of another person? What demon lies inside that raises up to slay our self confidence with the simple weapon of another person's entrance?

I have a friend who completely doubts her own self worth. Yet she is one of those women who when she enters a room, the men that are present seem to all immediately suffer from whiplash as their heads turn towards her.

She is beautiful. She is well read. She is intelligent. She is witty. She is a great conversationalist. She is pleasant to be around. Yet she has no confidence and oddly, when she arrives, mine decides to go south for a vacation.

She is the type of woman who snares the most elusive of hearts and doesn't realize until later just how difficult a task it was. More than once I've been "moon struck" with someone who ended up lavishing their attentions on her.

Yet she can not see her own worth and doubts as much as I do.

It's ironic. It seems no matter what our body shapes or experiences, many of us share the same albatrosses. We don't like ourselves and despite the millions that have been made with self help books, that's something we can truly only change with time and experience.

It's hard to do. It's hard to see clearly when we feel the strength of such uncertainity. It's those times when we make mistakes in our choices. We choose people that we shouldn't in order to feel more confident about ourselves.

It's not that we do so deliberately, nor should we feel ashamed of doing so. It's hard to see the clear path when your eyes are being blinded by a haze of confusion about oneself.

I keep hearing the words: Better to be alone. Usually stated by a friend who has already found their life companion and are speaking with hindsight from a position of relative security.

It is not that clear a decision. I have been alone for most of my years and it is HARD. There are so many things that I long for that partners or spouses share every day. The intimacy of having that one person that knows you best. Silly things like holidays which I spend in tears are memories for others. Birthdays. Valentine Days. All these I try to ignore because it only makes the lonliness more pronounced. At 25 it's easy to think you don't want to settle. As 40 or 50 approach and you're still alone you can numb yourself to it, you can become satisfied with yourself and accustomed to being alone but the actual status of being alone is still hard. It's changed me. I'm a lot harder now than I used to be. A lot more cynical and much more of a bitch.

I see others around me beginning to panic. They give in to the fear that there will never be anyone there to share life with. That fear makes them do things they shouldn't, or pick people they shouldn't.

It's difficult to remember to step back, slow down, and get to know people as people before deciding there's enough chemistry to forge ahead in a relationship.

And *sigh*
It's hard being alone
Especially if you once experienced that connection with a significant other.

Sometimes...

It would be really nice to shut the brain down. Not feel. Not think. Just be at peace.



Posted by thekays at 12:20 PM EST
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Friday, 31 December 2004
New Years Eve 2004
Topic: A yearly diatribe


Goodbye 2004 - A Traditional Email









New Years Eve 2004



For the past 9 years I've written a diatribe on
New Years eve and sent it out. Much of the
information within pertains to friends, enemies,
families and how life has changed in the past 12 months.

Run now if you don't want to read this year's.

Go on!

Run!

Last warning!!

I'm about to start!!

Okay. You had your chance so if you're still
reading it means your computer is now locked into
place and will not return to its upright position
until you read every word of this ramble.

When I write the lengthy babble my mind is
always filled with those that I communicate
with on this frustrating piece of electronic
advertising - aka the internet.
Last year I had someone write and tell me
they enjoyed it but wasn't sure why they
received it since I hadn't mentioned them.

But..
But....
Butttttt.........

I did!

And there's the frustrating part of communication.
If you get this tonight its because I consider you
a friend and value your input in my life.

Those who know me up close and personal can tell
you I'm a tightwad. Have been for years. I have my
tightwad badge and secret decoder ring and
memorized the tightwad handshake and credo. Buying
a computer was a drastic step for me back in 96.
The salesman guarenteed it was top notch, up to
date and best of the best.

Yes, it was outdated in a year.......

I should have know from the manicial laughter from
the salesman on the other end of the phone that
Gateway was actually a dealer and that the internet
was a drug that I soon wouldn't want to do without.

As you might expect, my addiction grew and the need
overwhelmed me. I was no longer content with 14MB
Ram. I wanted more. I quickly went to using 28 MB
and then 128. I'm attempting to keep my addiction
at 256. Memory became a treasure I couldn't do
without, growing from 1 gig to 10 and then to 20.
Now Dell is trying to move into my hood by flashing
its tempting 40 gigs at me. Foul, foul evil dude
with his dell.

Okay, okay...moving on...

Years ago I envisioned the internet as this
marvelous world wide resource. Unfortunately, at
times it resembles a mall more than a library but
one thing has not disappointed me. The friends I
communicate with.

Remember when we started? There were those online
who tried to differientiate between internet people
and "real" people. I despised that phrase because
as far as I was concerned this was never about
words on a screen and it was everything about the
people putting their fingers on the keys. Not
seeing your face while we talked didn't lessen your
presence for me.

At some point during the holidays our priest
mentioned something that stayed with me. (This
really does all connect - truly it does!!) It was a
mention of how we use people. How we fail to really
get to know them, to connect with them. We don't
mean to take them for granted, but we do. And
that's very true.Life gets busy, we have problems
and concerns on our minds and we just simply forget
to interact with the people we cherish in our lives
as we should.

He gave me an out tho...
It doesn't mean we don't value people...
It means we're humans with still much room to improve.
I'm truly trying.

Those emails that come in spirts and spews are a
simple signal that I'm thinking about you today. I
don't have a preset list. I'll add you to the
things I think you'll find interesting or funny.
Something that might make you think or chuckle. I
know a lot of them get deleted. You've TOLD me they
get deleted! LOL But they're still a message that
says: "Hey you...I thought about you today. Hope
you're ok." It's the same with the webpages.
There's not one that I create that isn't written
for the people I know.

This year has brought a lot of change. If you don't
know yet, I bought a house. A mine mine mine house!
(And anyone who knows the history and the struggle
of our loss of the famialy's business and the
bankruptcy know how much it means for me to have
something of my own that I can truly call mine.
It's given me an opportunity to learn more about
myself - and finally admit that I am a lousely
housekeeper - and given me time to branch out with
my own creative endeavors, including finding friends.

I've had several friends that I graduated with,
people who were very important to me in high
school, tenatively reconnect through this computer.
And I am constantly amazed at how strong the
friendships I made online way back when have
become. If you've read these new years eve messages
before, you'll always see near the beginning of my
list that Friendship begins on a Tuesdee. Yes, I
know how to spell the day, but the phrase is a
reference to my first online friend who lives in
Canada, who knows me like most will never and who
is amazingly still talking to me!!!

Yeah, we're "real" people....
I've made some wonderful friends through the
internet. I found first love and experienced a
world I never knew existed because of the internet.
I even had my first four babblings published with
Blue Mountain because an editor saw them on the
internet! LOL Even relationships with those people
that I see every day are enhanced when they share
with me online their thoughts as well as what makes
them laugh.

So if there's ever a time I get quiet and take you
for granted, know that I'm sorry and I don't mean
to. You're here with me every day. When the
computer is running and when it isn't. What you've
wove into my life are threads that can't be
discarded. Not even when I need alone time.

So my list of thoughts and drive by ramblings this
year isn't long and is rather simple.

Friendship does begin on a Tuesdee
It last each second of the year.
It spans the earth several times over.
It can bring as many tears and laughs and each
is equally as precious.
Time is a lot harder to come by than money
so what we spend with others should be well used.
Silence doesn't mean distance, sometimes it
indicates comfort.
As limited as we are as human beings our compassion
and empathy for those in need can not be surpassed.
Read this carefully:
Your name not being on this
page doesn't mean that I don't count
you as friend, think of you often
and value communication from you.

Okay. That's actually it this year.
No witty smart *$$ remarks.
Somehow this just doesn't seem to be the year for it.

Life is short and uncertain. We've all seen that
this week. There's nothing of more value in our
lives than those that we hold and hold us in the
heart. Some of you have reconnected this year and I
thank you, sincerely thank you for that. A few are
completely new friends and I've enjoyed getting to
know you. Others continue to be as steadfast as you
have ever been. You have my gratitude.

Mush is over.
Babble is over.

Be safe tonight. Be happy in the year ahead.

As ever
Brenda
























""When the heart sings and the spirit soars,
the music
of life is complete."

bkh - October 99


"Love is the music the heart sings best."


"To bring you laughter each morning and warmth at night...

would bring me joy at all hours." :c)
















































Posted by thekays at 10:16 PM EST
Updated: Friday, 31 December 2004 11:09 PM EST
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Saturday, 27 November 2004
It's not suppose to be this hard
This is a farce. My "newsletter" has become nothing more than a hodge podge of ramblings. Thanksfully, I don't think anyone is reading.

It's not suppose to be this hard. Life.
Yeah I accept you should have to work at it, but why does every avenue have to be laced with obstacles?

Holidays are tough. Every where you turn there are images of happy couples, happy families, loving families, who share joy, happiness and satisfaction. Yet for so many years it has elluded me.

I have loved twice in my life. Both times I failed as their hearts did not echo what mine whispered. Even tho I truly believe it healed, my heart still sometimes aches for what I wish could have been.

Small tasks seem to tear at me the most. Silly things like trying to put a nail in a window frame, putting up curtains, changing overhead lightbulbs. There is no romance in those acts and yet there is. They symbolize making a home...and it should be together.

I don't often wallow in this feeling of being alone. I won't share the thoughts with friends, they tend to be over whelming, as are the tears that come with the inevitable platitude of: "You'll find someone someday" or "it's not all it's cracked up to be."

Well, no, I don't think I will and at this point if it weren't all it was cracked up to be wedding rings wouldn't be made.

Oddly enough, it was never about the legalities with me. If I had his heart, nothing else mattered, and if I didn't..it was all moot anyway.

Posted by thekays at 5:53 PM EST
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Sunday, 31 October 2004
Nearing the end, can we laugh again?
It's almost over. The election will soon end all the hyperbol on radio and TV. That will be a welcome relief. But I fear the riff between ideologies in this country will last for some time to come. Probably beyond my lifetime. Maybe if the laughter returns it will speed us along. There's been little of that the past few years. God speed America towards peace and a humbleness befitting the power we hold in our hands.


And then there's kids...
At times like this I'm very glad few read this because I detest showing emotional angst. The only link I have to a legacy is my students. Yet more and more I wonder if it even makes a difference..if *I* make a difference. Small things bother me. Seem like insults and they hurt. Finding out a private student is taking from someone I know is less qualified and she doesn't even bother to let me know. Smoothing over an introduction to a new vocal coach so that the new teacher is prepared for the call, knows something about the student I refer and is able to set them more at ease, yet the student never knows and just thinks their new heroine is oh so wonderful for making them feel comfortable.

I'm tired.
It may be time to move on or to give it up completely. I can't always keep the personal away from the professional. If I'm not giving them what they need creatively then maybe someone new needs to come in. And I need to leave.

Posted by thekays at 8:24 PM EDT
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Friday, 22 October 2004
Using fear as a political tool
Mood:  not sure
A friend, who is on the opposite end of the politcal spectrum from me, sent me an email titled: "Election determines fate of nation."

Of course it contained all the Bush propaganda circulating for months. John Kerry must be very powerful indeed to be able to invoke the response from terrorists that Bush claims he will cause.

But I digress:

In this email was this paragraph.

"Terrorists will know that a steady stream of grizzly photos for CNN is all you need to break the will of the American people. Our own self-doubt will take it from there. Bin Laden will recognize that he can topple any American administration without setting foot on the homeland"

I have no self doubt. I am confident in my beliefs and in my conclusions about GW and his administration.

Gonna expound here...

Except that the pictures are not of terrorists and Ben Laden. Few Americans will denounce going after Osama and killing him if that's what it takes to bring him to justice. Few would hesitate to bring down any member of AlQaeda responsible or supportive in any form for 9-11. But Iraq was not part of 9-11.

No one in America argues that Saddam was a bad guy. But is that reason enough for going to war? Evidently it wasn't because we had to be convinced that Iraq was a "clear and present danger" to our security because they possessed weapons of mass destruction.

That was not the case.

I am not less an American because I support John Kerry for president. I am no less a Christian because my vote will be democratic. I do not dishonor the men and women who serve our country faithfully and willingly because I oppose this war. Many of them do as well and their families are speaking out about it.

But I will vote against George Bush because I think he was hasty, he and his administration suppressed information that negated their premise of Saddam's strength and now that we have the final report which says the sanctions were working, I think he absolutely had no ability to see the entire spectrum of issues since he can't even begin to accept that his information was faulty and he was wrong in his assertions.

I am tired of living under the threat of fear, not from terrorists, but from my president. I am tired of having it used as a political battering ram. We will not win this war by conventional means. Terrorists don't look for a bottom line. They bide their time and wait for the next opportunity to strike, to attack, and to injure our spirit. But using fear as a means to a political end is over for me.


Posted by thekays at 5:27 PM EDT
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Saturday, 16 October 2004
Is it fear or passion for a cause?
I can't tell if what I'm feeling and thinking is passion for a cause, that being electing Kerry president, or fear for our country if Bush is re-elected.

There appears to be much deception in Bush's actions. Supposedly we went to war in Iraq over weapons of mass destruction. Colin Powell told the UN that they presented a clear and present danger to the world. Now it appears not only did the white house suppress information that clearly indicated this was not the case, they have attempted to morph their rational for war as each of their strawman's story unraveled.

The latest reasoning given by bush in one of the debates was that Saddam was such a bad man he had murdered thousands of his own people so we had to take him out. It was a war to protect the innocent.
And yet today I read in the NyTimes "70,000 people have perished since March 1 of hunger and illness. Add the deaths from violence, the deaths of refugees in Chad and the deaths before March 1, and my guess is that the Darfur genocide has claimed more than 100,000 lives so far - and the total is still rising by 5,000 to 10,000 deaths per month."

Where is the compassion, Mr Bush? Where is the righteous need to go to the rescue of the innocent? Where is the willingness to bastard the budget in order to save those lost souls? Could it be that our lack of action is due to a lack on commerical opportunities in Sudan? "Surely not", she replies with much sarcasm.

Bush is a hypocrite. He intervenes where it profits his big business supporters and doesn't attempt to maintain even a pretense of decorum in the oval office.

For months the campaign of fear was worked on Americans and now I fear it has garnered so much support for Bush that Kerry will find it difficult to bridge that gap. Yet on every single issue, John Kerry is the best man to lead us. On every issue! But people say they'll feel safer with Bush?

Safer with a man who lies to America and distorts the truth to fit his own agenda???? How have we fallen so far into the quagmire of power and profit that we would even consider for a nanosecond re-electing this man?

When we are attacked again, and I firmly believe we will be. These people don't play by our rules. it's not a conventional war and they don't care about a big, final win. They have clearly shown a satisfaction with waiting and biding their time until opptunity once more knocks and they can lash out. But when we are attacked again will GW lead us to attack another uninvolved nation? Will he channel the hatred and thirst for revenge to once more be unleashed on anything and anyone arab? Will Americans sit idly by and allow this shadow, this darkness, to color our decisions? Are we so frozen by fear that we refuse to take a good self examining look at ourselves? Are we that frightened?

I don't think we are. Since her birth, America has always carried the ideals of freedom at her bosom. It has often been a difficult road as witnessed by the struggle by women and minorities for equality, but I believe the road we walk is one lined with integrity and compassion. I can not believe America would give in to the hate spewed by Dubya that encompasses anyone different and anything alien to the mainstream american thought. We are a society of differences and if we can't celebrate them, we fail.

George Bush is not the one to lead us to our best self. He brings to the front of American politics the fear of difference and not the embracing of our rich multiple heritage.

So is it passion for a cause or fear?

Most likely it is both. My country is the greatest on earth but she is not living up to her stature. She must reexamine her priorities and be honest about her intentions.

And she must, America absolutely MUST elect John Kerry as our next president on November 2nd.

Posted by thekays at 6:46 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 16 October 2004 6:54 PM EDT
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Think about it. Where's the logic? Snowcroft is critical of Bush
Mood:  not sure
Now think about the logic of this. The strongest field for GWB is his actions against "terrorism". The GOP has used that as a deferment for all other issues. "Bush is gonna keep you safe." Yet even the former National Security adviser who is so well thought of says that Bush has made a MESS of Iraq AND foreign relations. This should be telling the American public something. The security they feel with Bush is an illusion.

see here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A36814-2004Oct15.html?referrer=email

Scowcroft Is Critical of Bush
Ex-National Security Adviser Calls Iraq a 'Failing Venture'

By Glenn Kessler
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, October 16, 2004; Page A02

Brent Scowcroft, national security adviser to President George H.W. Bush, was highly critical of the current president's handling of foreign policy in an interview published this week, saying that the current President Bush is "mesmerized" by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, that Iraq is a "failing venture" and that the administration's unilateralist approach has harmed relations between Europe and the United States.

Scowcroft's remarks, reported in London's Financial Times, are unusual coming from a leading Republican less than three weeks before a highly contested election. In the first Bush administration, Scowcroft was a mentor to Condoleezza Rice, the current national security adviser, and he is regarded as a close associate of the president's father.

Scowcroft's remarks to the Financial Times reflect a sense of unease among some GOP foreign policy experts about the White House's handling of foreign policy -- especially those who, such as Scowcroft, are considered part of what is called the realist wing. Realists, in contrast to those who are called neoconservatives, prefer to deal with other nations on their own terms, whether they are democracies or not, and were skeptical that a war in Iraq would help make democracy blossom throughout the Middle East.

Generally, such concerns have been muted and voiced privately, but Scowcroft's interview was blunt, especially over Bush's handling of the Arab-Israeli conflict.

"Sharon just has him wrapped around his little finger," Scowcroft told the Financial Times. "I think the president is mesmerized." He added: "When there is a suicide attack [followed by a reprisal] Sharon calls the president and says, 'I'm on the front line of terrorism,' and the president says, 'Yes, you are . . . ' He [Sharon] has been nothing but trouble."

Although both Bush and Kerry have been very supportive of Sharon's plan to withdraw from the Gaza Strip, Scowcroft said he warned Rice that this is a ruse to prevent the creation of a Palestinian state.

"When I first heard Sharon was getting out of Gaza I was having dinner with Condi and she said: 'At least that's good news,' " Scowcroft recounted. "And I said: 'That's terrible news. . . . Sharon will say: 'I want to get out of Gaza, finish the wall [the Israeli security barrier] and say I'm done.' "

Regarding U.S.-European relations, Scowcroft said the U.S. rejection of offers of assistance after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, was a "severe rebuff. . . . We had gotten contemptuous of Europeans and their weaknesses. We had really turned unilateral."

He added that there has been "some pulling back of the extremes of neocons scoffing at multilateral organizations," but that fundamentally little has changed. He said U.S. engagement with the United Nations and NATO in Afghanistan and Iraq is "as much an act of desperation as anything else . . . to rescue a failing venture."

Scowcroft said that relations with Europe are "in general bad," but that the United States has to work with Europe to deal with the world's problems.




"We learn from what hurts us as much as from what loves us"

Posted by thekays at 8:08 AM EDT
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Saturday, 2 October 2004
Post Debate comments
A few comments have been made about George Bush's fire and anger during the debates last Thursday night. Some viewers thought Kerry came across as too calm and cool to have the resolve necessary to finish what we started in Iraq and defend our country.

What would have happened had Bush had more of this calm, coolness after 9-11? Would we have captured and brought Bin Laden to justice? Would we have allowed the UN and it's inspectors to finish their work with Iraq? Would our intelligence sources have been scrutinized and faulty information been detected? And last, would the 1100+ US lives and the many Iraqi lives lost in the past year and a half been spared?

The president of the United States has his finger on the nuclear button. He singluarly can bring the world to war if he is persuasive enough. Knowing that, I WANT a calm and cooler finger ON that nuclear button. I don't want a hot headed cowboy with no patience, too much ego and a dislike of being questioned determining when and if the US once more engages in war, nuclear or otherwise.

Yes, American CAN do better. It MUST do better, not just with our foreign policies but within our communities and hearts. We must take the steps needed to renew our respect for human life and human choice. It's the only possible way America is going to survive.


Posted by thekays at 10:18 AM EDT
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