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Thoughts On Friendship, Love and Life In General
Saturday, 26 February 2005
Saturday Morning Bliss
It's just after 8 am. I have cinnamon rolls cooling on top of the stove, freshly baked and smelling so wonderful. The coffee is done, first pot I've made in many weeks. The dogs have already been walked this morning and I am looking at the prospect of a lazy Saturday morning for the first time, well, almost since 2004. No where I have to be today. No where I have to run. No student activities to pull me away from home. As I sit here with no TV or radio on, enjoying the silence, the occasional sound of a bird from outside the window, once more I am stuck with how contented I am here.

I never expected nor wanted to live my life alone. I always pictured myself married to a businessman with both of us ending up as workaholics. Well, I guess I got part of it right. I do spend too much time at work, but never did I anticipate that I could be happy just being alone.

There are times when the desire for companionship still brings tears. It still hurts that it didn't work out, but the great daily angst has subsided into a quiet peace. Unexpected but very appreciated.

I hope it lasts. LOL

In the meantime, my muse, which has been absent, seems to be returning so I may actually get some writing done today. Plus the mundane beckons: Housecleaning, laundry, cooking, puttering around the house. All tasks which seem to make me smile this morning. Wouldn't it be lovely if this type of happiness could be marketed? Enable us to truly just enjoy the smaller things and not yearn for what we can't or shouldn't have?

Did I mention the cardinal that came to visit when I took the dogs out? I've been toying with the thought of cutting down some bushes in my back yard but I think I'm going to do that with great caution. It seems the cardinals and blue jays enjoy their cover. And I enjoy the birds so...one more thing that brings a smile today. I'm envisioning summers on the patio with a cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sounds of birds feeding at their new feeder.

Pollyanna is back. Welcome home, girl.








a mirror of this blog can be found at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/1106.html

Posted by thekays at 8:39 AM EST
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Saturday, 19 February 2005
Waiting for life to continue
I've been waiting too long.

Waiting for the right time to buy the house. Waiting for the right time to make those needed repairs. Waiting for the right time to buy the needed appliance. Waiting for the time to mail those cards and late Christmas gifts, waiting on someone to make the work environment better.

The house is bought. Thankfully I didn't put it off but other things I've been reluctant to begin. I am so afraid of putting myself out on a limb and falling off in the attempt of making life easier. I know it's shadows of past failures, most a financial one, but it's time to face those fears once again.

I've slipped back into that "wait for a better time" pattern. A better time may or may not happen. Why continue to allow life to slip away and not do the things I'm waiting to do?

My co-workers and I were thrown into a depressing work environment this year. A vice principal who had almost 100% support in bidding on the newly vacant principal's position has forgotten that our staff is an outstanding group of teachers. Forgotten that for several years we've received the top test scores in our county. Forgotten that the people she now sees as subservient were once her friends. Somewhere along the line she decided principal was less a leader and became a total "BOSS", complete with every controlling stereotype a bad boss can bring. It's a sad situation.

We've been waiting for it to change and get back to the warm, friendly enviroment it has been in the past but truthfully, it may never revert back. If we have no support from her, then maybe its time to remind ourselves that we can support each other. So today I spent a paltry 10 or 12 bucks to buy the small items that some teachers will find in their boxed Monday afternoon. Included with it will be a short note reminding them that they're appreciated and thought of often. It won't be signed. If they figure it out, thats ok. If not, then maybe the smile will be shared with someone else and it will propagate.

Why wait?

If you've read this blog for very long (Not the LJ one but the mirror on tripod) you'll know I lost a friend last month. Steve's death was difficult for me. He was a net friend and wanted to come visit last summer. I put him off for reasons I won't go into here, all of them connected to vanity, and now that opportunity will never present itself again. One month ago tonight....and I still miss him horribly.

Letting people know how you feel isn't something to be put off for another day. Stop waiting. Tell them. Show them. By word or deed show them you care.

Stop waiting for a better time.
It's here.
It's now.












A mirror of this blog can be found at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/

Posted by thekays at 5:36 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, 19 February 2005 5:40 PM EST
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Friday, 11 February 2005
Kicking and screaming as I go...
I have too many blogs...

I am not a flexible person. I've come to realize this over the years. Actually I've always known it. It explains why I remained in some rotten relationships even though they had completely fallen apart.

Internet relationships seem the most tenuous of all. They can morph into something unrecognizable at the drop of a hat. Yet I hang on to many for dear life, probably after my communication and contact ceases to even be noticed by the object of my attention.

Why is it that many see internet friends as expendible? It's almost as if they believe them not to be real. Yet on each end of the communication is a living breathing human (unless you're Klingon and not telling us) that thinks, emotes and shares.

So why is it so easy to walk away from them? Is it because we can delete the email with no effort, removing the guilt from our mind and sight? Or do some people really feel like net friendships are akin to video games? Fun for the moment you're playing them.

I made friends with a person a couple years ago who apparently now has a "life" (Thank you very much. Here I thought I was part of your day - silly me) and has virtually dropped out of sight. I'm happy that he's found someone but completely perplexed by his actions. He simply dropped a number of people from his life without much regret at all it seems. How does one *do* that? How do you just click a button and turn people off that you've spent night after night talking and laughing with?

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe it's a good thing I am.

Yet as one door closes another I thought forever closed, opens. Perhaps one was merely holding the place for the other.

But you know...
I don't like changes...
I wanna keep em all

A mirror of this is at
http://www.livejournal.com/users/bkhager/506.html

Posted by thekays at 3:28 PM EST
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Tuesday, 8 February 2005
In fairy tales it exists
Mood:  down
Topic: Birthdays Suck
Well,
There's an hour and about 30 minutes left of my birthday.

I hate them. I hate being the age I am without having had any type of long lasting (past 13 months) relationship. I hate not having a family and feeling like a failure because I'm still alone.
And I hate expecting people to remember today.

It's not like they don't know. Plenty of them do. But unless the topic comes up in conversation a couple of weekend before hand, they just don't bother to remember. "Oh, I'm not good with stuff like that.", "You know I thought of you.", "I had one for you."...
Well thats lovely and all but it doesn't take away the feeling of being alone that goes on here. I hope you had fun on my day but it sure wasn't fun here.

Mom remembered and for once we had a pleasant day not filled with drama. Steve remembered as did Char. That be about it. Kind of depressing that in the rest of the world, as many people as have shared the celebration with me, no one wrote it down, put it in reminders or had it on their calendar.

One hour and 28 minutes

Posted by thekays at 10:19 PM EST
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Saturday, 5 February 2005
Grief takes time
Mood:  sad
Topic: Dealing with loss
I lost a friend last week.

Someone I had met online. We talked regularly and he became an expected part of my day. I came home last Wednesday to find several emails from other friends either telling me he had passed or seeking comfort themselves for his loss.

Steve was much too vital to go when he did. His lifestyle was not active but his mind was always moving. He adored his young nieces and showed a soft side of his rough exterior when he talked, no - when he gushed about them. In their eyes he found a larger universe than he ever knew existed. He found pure unconditional love and for the first time, I believe, felt it in his heart. He would have given anything for those girls unless it meant changing a dirty diaper. LOL He was still that much of a bachelor.

When I bought my house, Steve worried with me. Talked me down several times from panic attacks of whether I was doing the right thing. Kept after me about loans and insurance and finally gave me a thumbs up when I negotiated a good rate.

When the girlfriend of an ex began harrassing me again, Steve was entralled by the drama. I always thought he would have made a great soap opera fan. *grin*

Whenever he went on vacation I knew to look for a postcard. Sadly some of his mail didn't make it to me right after I moved last summer.

Steve will never be known as someone who was politically correct. He did not suffer fools or posers gladly and called it as he saw it. He loved the debate and loved winning more. He was bombastic and often argumentative but he was never dull.

And I will miss him...

It's taken more than a week to be able to add this to my blog. The tears still come easily when I dwell on the fact that he's gone. I miss his presence. I miss his wit and I even miss his stubborness.

He was taken one day short of his 42nd birthday by a massive heart attack. But he died peacefully in his sleep. He would have hated being incapacitated and dependent on others.

I think its going to be a long time before I can remember him without being sad, without being selfish and without mourning him.

You will be missed mesawmi...

http://www.friendshipsfire.com/steve/hurts.html

Posted by thekays at 1:54 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, 5 February 2005 1:59 PM EST
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Sunday, 23 January 2005
And the band played on....
Topic: Relationships
Did you ever find that you felt completely inferior just with the arrival of another person? What demon lies inside that raises up to slay our self confidence with the simple weapon of another person's entrance?

I have a friend who completely doubts her own self worth. Yet she is one of those women who when she enters a room, the men that are present seem to all immediately suffer from whiplash as their heads turn towards her.

She is beautiful. She is well read. She is intelligent. She is witty. She is a great conversationalist. She is pleasant to be around. Yet she has no confidence and oddly, when she arrives, mine decides to go south for a vacation.

She is the type of woman who snares the most elusive of hearts and doesn't realize until later just how difficult a task it was. More than once I've been "moon struck" with someone who ended up lavishing their attentions on her.

Yet she can not see her own worth and doubts as much as I do.

It's ironic. It seems no matter what our body shapes or experiences, many of us share the same albatrosses. We don't like ourselves and despite the millions that have been made with self help books, that's something we can truly only change with time and experience.

It's hard to do. It's hard to see clearly when we feel the strength of such uncertainity. It's those times when we make mistakes in our choices. We choose people that we shouldn't in order to feel more confident about ourselves.

It's not that we do so deliberately, nor should we feel ashamed of doing so. It's hard to see the clear path when your eyes are being blinded by a haze of confusion about oneself.

I keep hearing the words: Better to be alone. Usually stated by a friend who has already found their life companion and are speaking with hindsight from a position of relative security.

It is not that clear a decision. I have been alone for most of my years and it is HARD. There are so many things that I long for that partners or spouses share every day. The intimacy of having that one person that knows you best. Silly things like holidays which I spend in tears are memories for others. Birthdays. Valentine Days. All these I try to ignore because it only makes the lonliness more pronounced. At 25 it's easy to think you don't want to settle. As 40 or 50 approach and you're still alone you can numb yourself to it, you can become satisfied with yourself and accustomed to being alone but the actual status of being alone is still hard. It's changed me. I'm a lot harder now than I used to be. A lot more cynical and much more of a bitch.

I see others around me beginning to panic. They give in to the fear that there will never be anyone there to share life with. That fear makes them do things they shouldn't, or pick people they shouldn't.

It's difficult to remember to step back, slow down, and get to know people as people before deciding there's enough chemistry to forge ahead in a relationship.

And *sigh*
It's hard being alone
Especially if you once experienced that connection with a significant other.

Sometimes...

It would be really nice to shut the brain down. Not feel. Not think. Just be at peace.



Posted by thekays at 12:20 PM EST
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Friday, 31 December 2004
New Years Eve 2004
Topic: A yearly diatribe


Goodbye 2004 - A Traditional Email









New Years Eve 2004



For the past 9 years I've written a diatribe on
New Years eve and sent it out. Much of the
information within pertains to friends, enemies,
families and how life has changed in the past 12 months.

Run now if you don't want to read this year's.

Go on!

Run!

Last warning!!

I'm about to start!!

Okay. You had your chance so if you're still
reading it means your computer is now locked into
place and will not return to its upright position
until you read every word of this ramble.

When I write the lengthy babble my mind is
always filled with those that I communicate
with on this frustrating piece of electronic
advertising - aka the internet.
Last year I had someone write and tell me
they enjoyed it but wasn't sure why they
received it since I hadn't mentioned them.

But..
But....
Butttttt.........

I did!

And there's the frustrating part of communication.
If you get this tonight its because I consider you
a friend and value your input in my life.

Those who know me up close and personal can tell
you I'm a tightwad. Have been for years. I have my
tightwad badge and secret decoder ring and
memorized the tightwad handshake and credo. Buying
a computer was a drastic step for me back in 96.
The salesman guarenteed it was top notch, up to
date and best of the best.

Yes, it was outdated in a year.......

I should have know from the manicial laughter from
the salesman on the other end of the phone that
Gateway was actually a dealer and that the internet
was a drug that I soon wouldn't want to do without.

As you might expect, my addiction grew and the need
overwhelmed me. I was no longer content with 14MB
Ram. I wanted more. I quickly went to using 28 MB
and then 128. I'm attempting to keep my addiction
at 256. Memory became a treasure I couldn't do
without, growing from 1 gig to 10 and then to 20.
Now Dell is trying to move into my hood by flashing
its tempting 40 gigs at me. Foul, foul evil dude
with his dell.

Okay, okay...moving on...

Years ago I envisioned the internet as this
marvelous world wide resource. Unfortunately, at
times it resembles a mall more than a library but
one thing has not disappointed me. The friends I
communicate with.

Remember when we started? There were those online
who tried to differientiate between internet people
and "real" people. I despised that phrase because
as far as I was concerned this was never about
words on a screen and it was everything about the
people putting their fingers on the keys. Not
seeing your face while we talked didn't lessen your
presence for me.

At some point during the holidays our priest
mentioned something that stayed with me. (This
really does all connect - truly it does!!) It was a
mention of how we use people. How we fail to really
get to know them, to connect with them. We don't
mean to take them for granted, but we do. And
that's very true.Life gets busy, we have problems
and concerns on our minds and we just simply forget
to interact with the people we cherish in our lives
as we should.

He gave me an out tho...
It doesn't mean we don't value people...
It means we're humans with still much room to improve.
I'm truly trying.

Those emails that come in spirts and spews are a
simple signal that I'm thinking about you today. I
don't have a preset list. I'll add you to the
things I think you'll find interesting or funny.
Something that might make you think or chuckle. I
know a lot of them get deleted. You've TOLD me they
get deleted! LOL But they're still a message that
says: "Hey you...I thought about you today. Hope
you're ok." It's the same with the webpages.
There's not one that I create that isn't written
for the people I know.

This year has brought a lot of change. If you don't
know yet, I bought a house. A mine mine mine house!
(And anyone who knows the history and the struggle
of our loss of the famialy's business and the
bankruptcy know how much it means for me to have
something of my own that I can truly call mine.
It's given me an opportunity to learn more about
myself - and finally admit that I am a lousely
housekeeper - and given me time to branch out with
my own creative endeavors, including finding friends.

I've had several friends that I graduated with,
people who were very important to me in high
school, tenatively reconnect through this computer.
And I am constantly amazed at how strong the
friendships I made online way back when have
become. If you've read these new years eve messages
before, you'll always see near the beginning of my
list that Friendship begins on a Tuesdee. Yes, I
know how to spell the day, but the phrase is a
reference to my first online friend who lives in
Canada, who knows me like most will never and who
is amazingly still talking to me!!!

Yeah, we're "real" people....
I've made some wonderful friends through the
internet. I found first love and experienced a
world I never knew existed because of the internet.
I even had my first four babblings published with
Blue Mountain because an editor saw them on the
internet! LOL Even relationships with those people
that I see every day are enhanced when they share
with me online their thoughts as well as what makes
them laugh.

So if there's ever a time I get quiet and take you
for granted, know that I'm sorry and I don't mean
to. You're here with me every day. When the
computer is running and when it isn't. What you've
wove into my life are threads that can't be
discarded. Not even when I need alone time.

So my list of thoughts and drive by ramblings this
year isn't long and is rather simple.

Friendship does begin on a Tuesdee
It last each second of the year.
It spans the earth several times over.
It can bring as many tears and laughs and each
is equally as precious.
Time is a lot harder to come by than money
so what we spend with others should be well used.
Silence doesn't mean distance, sometimes it
indicates comfort.
As limited as we are as human beings our compassion
and empathy for those in need can not be surpassed.
Read this carefully:
Your name not being on this
page doesn't mean that I don't count
you as friend, think of you often
and value communication from you.

Okay. That's actually it this year.
No witty smart *$$ remarks.
Somehow this just doesn't seem to be the year for it.

Life is short and uncertain. We've all seen that
this week. There's nothing of more value in our
lives than those that we hold and hold us in the
heart. Some of you have reconnected this year and I
thank you, sincerely thank you for that. A few are
completely new friends and I've enjoyed getting to
know you. Others continue to be as steadfast as you
have ever been. You have my gratitude.

Mush is over.
Babble is over.

Be safe tonight. Be happy in the year ahead.

As ever
Brenda
























""When the heart sings and the spirit soars,
the music
of life is complete."

bkh - October 99


"Love is the music the heart sings best."


"To bring you laughter each morning and warmth at night...

would bring me joy at all hours." :c)
















































Posted by thekays at 10:16 PM EST
Updated: Friday, 31 December 2004 11:09 PM EST
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Saturday, 27 November 2004
It's not suppose to be this hard
This is a farce. My "newsletter" has become nothing more than a hodge podge of ramblings. Thanksfully, I don't think anyone is reading.

It's not suppose to be this hard. Life.
Yeah I accept you should have to work at it, but why does every avenue have to be laced with obstacles?

Holidays are tough. Every where you turn there are images of happy couples, happy families, loving families, who share joy, happiness and satisfaction. Yet for so many years it has elluded me.

I have loved twice in my life. Both times I failed as their hearts did not echo what mine whispered. Even tho I truly believe it healed, my heart still sometimes aches for what I wish could have been.

Small tasks seem to tear at me the most. Silly things like trying to put a nail in a window frame, putting up curtains, changing overhead lightbulbs. There is no romance in those acts and yet there is. They symbolize making a home...and it should be together.

I don't often wallow in this feeling of being alone. I won't share the thoughts with friends, they tend to be over whelming, as are the tears that come with the inevitable platitude of: "You'll find someone someday" or "it's not all it's cracked up to be."

Well, no, I don't think I will and at this point if it weren't all it was cracked up to be wedding rings wouldn't be made.

Oddly enough, it was never about the legalities with me. If I had his heart, nothing else mattered, and if I didn't..it was all moot anyway.

Posted by thekays at 5:53 PM EST
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Sunday, 31 October 2004
Nearing the end, can we laugh again?
It's almost over. The election will soon end all the hyperbol on radio and TV. That will be a welcome relief. But I fear the riff between ideologies in this country will last for some time to come. Probably beyond my lifetime. Maybe if the laughter returns it will speed us along. There's been little of that the past few years. God speed America towards peace and a humbleness befitting the power we hold in our hands.


And then there's kids...
At times like this I'm very glad few read this because I detest showing emotional angst. The only link I have to a legacy is my students. Yet more and more I wonder if it even makes a difference..if *I* make a difference. Small things bother me. Seem like insults and they hurt. Finding out a private student is taking from someone I know is less qualified and she doesn't even bother to let me know. Smoothing over an introduction to a new vocal coach so that the new teacher is prepared for the call, knows something about the student I refer and is able to set them more at ease, yet the student never knows and just thinks their new heroine is oh so wonderful for making them feel comfortable.

I'm tired.
It may be time to move on or to give it up completely. I can't always keep the personal away from the professional. If I'm not giving them what they need creatively then maybe someone new needs to come in. And I need to leave.

Posted by thekays at 8:24 PM EDT
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Friday, 22 October 2004
Using fear as a political tool
Mood:  not sure
A friend, who is on the opposite end of the politcal spectrum from me, sent me an email titled: "Election determines fate of nation."

Of course it contained all the Bush propaganda circulating for months. John Kerry must be very powerful indeed to be able to invoke the response from terrorists that Bush claims he will cause.

But I digress:

In this email was this paragraph.

"Terrorists will know that a steady stream of grizzly photos for CNN is all you need to break the will of the American people. Our own self-doubt will take it from there. Bin Laden will recognize that he can topple any American administration without setting foot on the homeland"

I have no self doubt. I am confident in my beliefs and in my conclusions about GW and his administration.

Gonna expound here...

Except that the pictures are not of terrorists and Ben Laden. Few Americans will denounce going after Osama and killing him if that's what it takes to bring him to justice. Few would hesitate to bring down any member of AlQaeda responsible or supportive in any form for 9-11. But Iraq was not part of 9-11.

No one in America argues that Saddam was a bad guy. But is that reason enough for going to war? Evidently it wasn't because we had to be convinced that Iraq was a "clear and present danger" to our security because they possessed weapons of mass destruction.

That was not the case.

I am not less an American because I support John Kerry for president. I am no less a Christian because my vote will be democratic. I do not dishonor the men and women who serve our country faithfully and willingly because I oppose this war. Many of them do as well and their families are speaking out about it.

But I will vote against George Bush because I think he was hasty, he and his administration suppressed information that negated their premise of Saddam's strength and now that we have the final report which says the sanctions were working, I think he absolutely had no ability to see the entire spectrum of issues since he can't even begin to accept that his information was faulty and he was wrong in his assertions.

I am tired of living under the threat of fear, not from terrorists, but from my president. I am tired of having it used as a political battering ram. We will not win this war by conventional means. Terrorists don't look for a bottom line. They bide their time and wait for the next opportunity to strike, to attack, and to injure our spirit. But using fear as a means to a political end is over for me.


Posted by thekays at 5:27 PM EDT
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