And the band played on....
Topic: Relationships
Did you ever find that you felt completely inferior just with the arrival of another person? What demon lies inside that raises up to slay our self confidence with the simple weapon of another person's entrance?

I have a friend who completely doubts her own self worth. Yet she is one of those women who when she enters a room, the men that are present seem to all immediately suffer from whiplash as their heads turn towards her.

She is beautiful. She is well read. She is intelligent. She is witty. She is a great conversationalist. She is pleasant to be around. Yet she has no confidence and oddly, when she arrives, mine decides to go south for a vacation.

She is the type of woman who snares the most elusive of hearts and doesn't realize until later just how difficult a task it was. More than once I've been "moon struck" with someone who ended up lavishing their attentions on her.

Yet she can not see her own worth and doubts as much as I do.

It's ironic. It seems no matter what our body shapes or experiences, many of us share the same albatrosses. We don't like ourselves and despite the millions that have been made with self help books, that's something we can truly only change with time and experience.

It's hard to do. It's hard to see clearly when we feel the strength of such uncertainity. It's those times when we make mistakes in our choices. We choose people that we shouldn't in order to feel more confident about ourselves.

It's not that we do so deliberately, nor should we feel ashamed of doing so. It's hard to see the clear path when your eyes are being blinded by a haze of confusion about oneself.

I keep hearing the words: Better to be alone. Usually stated by a friend who has already found their life companion and are speaking with hindsight from a position of relative security.

It is not that clear a decision. I have been alone for most of my years and it is HARD. There are so many things that I long for that partners or spouses share every day. The intimacy of having that one person that knows you best. Silly things like holidays which I spend in tears are memories for others. Birthdays. Valentine Days. All these I try to ignore because it only makes the lonliness more pronounced. At 25 it's easy to think you don't want to settle. As 40 or 50 approach and you're still alone you can numb yourself to it, you can become satisfied with yourself and accustomed to being alone but the actual status of being alone is still hard. It's changed me. I'm a lot harder now than I used to be. A lot more cynical and much more of a bitch.

I see others around me beginning to panic. They give in to the fear that there will never be anyone there to share life with. That fear makes them do things they shouldn't, or pick people they shouldn't.

It's difficult to remember to step back, slow down, and get to know people as people before deciding there's enough chemistry to forge ahead in a relationship.

And *sigh*
It's hard being alone
Especially if you once experienced that connection with a significant other.

Sometimes...

It would be really nice to shut the brain down. Not feel. Not think. Just be at peace.